Break the cycle
by Rae1
Summary: Everyone should do at least one song fic. I did four, but in one story. Sorato. Taito/Yamachi. Daikeru/Takedai. Kenyako very little . Yaoi. Soshiro. Kouora. Language hehe . Dark subjects. Sap, angst, and fluff.
1. Prologue, the first

Author's note: I just bought the new Staind CD, and I've listened to it everyday for three days. The following fic is a series of events, each one placed a song that I really liked. This first chapter is just a basic introduction to what's kind of happened up to when the 'songfics' kick in. No real details, very little plot. And if you get a little confused, because it seems that you've missed something, don't worry. It will be explained in later chapters.  
  
Disclaimer: Applicable to all chapters: I don't own Digimon, any of its accessories and extensions, or the characters. I don't own Staind, the lyrics, or anything to do with the songs, except for the interpretation of what I think they could mean.  
  
Warning: I am a Yaoi author. That is your warning. Episode 50 Couples! Beware. There is Sorato material ahead. I feel like I just killed my best friend ;_; Don't get too hopeful, though. It isn't all as it seems. Bad language. Big surprise, huh?  
  
Extra note: How this works is: I suck at POV's. So, in case it helps, here's a little guide.  
Chapter one: Prologue-setup: Mostly TK, really generalized.  
Chapter two: Prologue-after lunch: Again, mostly TK, generalized.  
Chapter three: It's been awhile: No real thoughts, just dialect and outward reactions. Sora and Matt.  
Chapter four: Epiphany: Flickers between Sora and Izzy. Sappy and fluffy.  
Chapter five: Outside: Goes from Tai, to Matt, and then flickers between the two.  
Chapter six: Fade: I love this song so much, that it's in three chapters. Omnipotent 3rd.  
Chapter seven: Fade: Daikeru/Takedai. It's Davis, but it starts from his POV from when he arrived at the picnic, to the time it's over.  
chapter eight: Fade: Takeru-1st person. *3rd person* Very angsty, with bad language, and subject matter.  
  
(Chapter nine: Not really planned or written, yet. Is possible, but I might just leave it hanging as it is.(  
  
Last note: I will switch back and forth between their American dubbed names, and their undubbed versions, but I will list them at least once.  
________________________________  
  
Author: Rae (penname)  
Title: Break the cycle  
Content: Yaoi, odd coupling?, shounen-ai, yuri  
  
TK set the last dish on the picnic table and nodded in approval. The feast set out before him looked as good as he could possibly make it. He smiled, looking forward to the afternoon. It had been five years since all the digi-destined had been together, and he was excited at the prospect of seeing all of his old friends. He and Kari were still close, and he wrote to Cody every week, but it wasn't the same as seeing them all in person.  
  
A sound behind him alerted him to the fact that the first guest had arrived. He turned around, a grin planted on his lightly tanned face. It froze when his eyes met the weary gaze of Motomiya 'Davis' Daisuke. They had been the best of friends through high school, and lovers in college, but had gone on to separate lives. It had been at least a year since they'd even exchanged a single word.  
  
For the two years before that, TK had written to him nearly twice a week, but Davis never responded. The blonde had persisted, writing once a week. After years of nothing, he sent one last letter, nearly begging for a response. A response he still never got.  
  
He had sent the invite on faith. On the hope that even if he wanted nothing to do with him, he'd at least come to see the others.  
  
"Hi." He smiled gently, seeing the uncertainty in the other's gaze. Brown eyes floated away, then came back.  
  
"Hi." They walked toward each other, TK more certain of step that Davis. Three feet apart, they stopped simultaneously. With a deep breath, Davis squared his shoulders. "I'm sorry."  
  
"It's past." TK gave his warmest smile, wanting to ease the tension that hung around the redhead. For Davis's hair had gone from the auburn it had held as children, to a flat-out red that rivaled Izumi 'Izzy' Koushiro's.   
  
A small answering smile trembled on Davis' mouth, only to be undone by the tear that slipped down one tan cheek. As one, they moved forward and wrapped each other in a tight embrace. "I'm so fucking sorry! I just...gods, I don't know anymore! I just couldn't seem to finish a letter, and then, you wrote the last one, and I thought 'I'll just let him get on with his life.' When the invite came, I almost cried. I thought you'd forgotten me by now."  
  
"Never!" TK tightened his arms, pulling Davis against him. They were the same height, though TK's build was slightly smaller. He was wiry, where as the redhead was buffer, built. "I shouldn't have given up so soon. But it hurt, really hurt, when five years went by with only one postcard. I was hoping that you'd answer the last one, but when nothing came, I just put it away from me."  
  
He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold onto the feeling of warmth and security he got from the arms around him. His best friend, his confidante for so long, his estranged lover. All of that was brought into his mind as he felt the warm breath caress his neck. With obvious hesitation, Davis pulled back, wiping at his eyes and face.   
  
"Good." They turned guiltily towards the newest arrival. Inoue 'Yolei' Miyako grinned at them, her violet eyes sparkling. Ichijouji Ken stood behind her, smiling softly, holding the handle of a cooler. The other end was attached to wheels. His indigo eyes met brown, and his smile widened. TK watched as they assessed each other, Yolei rambling on about something trivial. She took the cooler from Ken. "I'll let the three of you catch up, while I check out what we have to eat."  
  
Ken turned to a TK with friendly smile, though not as wide as the one he reserved for Davis. "Hi, TK. Thanks for working this into your schedule. I know that most reunions don't take place on Tuesdays, but it's really hard to squeeze time into the weekend."  
  
"Don't worry about it. I have a lot of time during the day. My best writing comes from long nights and early mornings. And everyone else said it would be easier, too. Matt doesn't really have a set schedule, and Tai says that he'd be here no matter what. He'd schedule the end of the world for another day."  
  
"I had the day off from the firm." Hida 'Cody' spoke from behind Ken making the taller man jump. Cody patted his shoulder apologetically. "Izzy said that he'd be without is laptop, and Jyou said that he could reschedule his patients for Saturday."  
  
Ishida 'Matt' Yamato threw an arm around his brother as he joined them. Mimi and Sora were walking up behind him. "Sora needed a break from her designs, since she works seven days a week. Mimi's bringing one of her newest recipes for us to try, so it could be considered work for her."  
  
"School's out for the summer, so I'm free." Yagami 'Kari' Hikari grinned as she stepped up beside Davis. She turned to the redhead and looked at him searchingly. With a half-serious, half-teasing look, she put a hand to his cheek. "It's been too long, Davis. Too long."  
  
He nodded and opened his arms with a smile. She stepped into his embrace. "I know, Kari-kun. I'm sorry."  
  
"Enough of that, Davis." TK smiled at him again. "You're here now, and that's what counts. You'll have to stick around awhile to make up time." Davis smiled, his lips just shying from their old grin. Kari moved away from him, and hugged TK, Ken, then Cody. Matt ruffled her hair, and she hit him playfully in the stomach. "Let's eat! It's all set up, so grab a plate."  
  
That was all that was needed for Davis to perk up the rest of the way. "Food! God, I've missed you guys!" He was first to the table, leaving his friends laughing behind him. TK smiled at his back as the rest slowly made their way towards the tables TK had set up. By the time they had their food, Davis had cleared half his plate, which had been piled high.   
  
Tai, Izzy, and Joe arrived together, carpooling because they lived in the same section of town. Joe looked a little green in the face, and it was no surprise to find out that Tai had driven. Izzy was without his laptop, which only seemed to surprise Davis, as he hadn't been around during the past year when the other redhead left it at home more and more.  
  
Kido 'Joe' Jyou (a/n: Yes, that seemed almost pointless) smiled as he sat down next to TK, across from Matt. He looked at Davis, seated on the end next to Matt, and greeted him. "Welcome home, Davis. It's good to see you again."   
  
"Same here, Joe. Thanks for card." TK looked between them quickly. He hadn't realized that anyone else had kept contact with Davis other than him.  
  
"Not a problem." He turned and started a conversation with Matt, who was being ignored by Tai for some reason, even though the brunette was only a person down from him. Takenouchi Sora sat between them, and spoke to Takenowa Mimi (a/n: yes, I forgot how to spell her name), who was on the other side of Joe, between Izzy and Cody. Cody and Kari sat down past her, opposite Ken and Yolei, who were feeding each other grapes.   
  
TK turned his attention to Davis, determined to make up for some of the time they had missed together, but Davis was shoveling food in his mouth as if he hadn't eaten in weeks. With a raised eyebrow and a grin, he teased him. "When was the last time you ate?"   
  
After swallowing, and taking a drink to help it down, Davis grinned unabashedly. "Before I left. I don't trust plane food." He had moved to mainland Asia, though TK didn't know enough geography to do more than send letters, and say, 'too damn far'. He had thought, once, about going after him, when he didn't return his letters. Then he had decided to let him have time. The opportunity never came again.  
  
With a feeling of well-being that he hadn't felt in five years, Takaishi 'TK' Takeru looked around at his eleven best friends, ranging in age from twenty-two, Hida 'Cody' Iori, to twenty-nine, Kido 'Joe' Jyou. He smiled and dug into his food, thinking that it had, indeed, been way too long.  
  
_____________________________  
  
End note: The next one is part two of the prologue. Doesn't go into detail, and is shorter than chapter one. Don't be fooled by what anything may seem. I did say that Ep 50 couples will be included, but maybe not in the way that it may seem.  



	2. Prologue, the second

Author's note: This is part two of the prologue. Basically, I'm setting it up so that the next few chapters go together. FYI, Staind does a lot of songs that are really good for angst.  
  
Warning: Yaoi and straight couplings. Minor cussing.  
_______________________  
  
Title: Break the Cycle  
  
  
Everyone finished within seconds of each other, and soon, they were in separate areas of the picnic section of the park, split into little groups to catch up on new gossip, and swap past stories.  
  
Izzy and Joe were discussing an upcoming trial with Cody, who was studying to become a lawyer. He had a year and the bar exam (a/n: Don't know if they had a bar exam before, but they do now.)  
  
Kari was chatting with Yolei, Mimi, and Sora about their prospective jobs. Mimi was telling them about her newfound interest in cooking, and about her new social life. Sora and Yolei were listening, since Yolei didn't have a profession, and Sora worked enough that she didn't really want to talk about it.  
  
Ken and Davis were off to the side, talking to Tai. Matt had hung around the table to help TK take care of everything. He looked grimly at Tai, then snapped another lid into place with a growl. TK looked up with a smile. "Welcome home, brother."   
  
"Thanks, TK. I'm glad someone's happy that I'm here." He looked again at Tai, ignoring the curious looks that Ken was giving him for his effort to get the brunette's attention. As the blue-haired man frowned, Matt looked away again, sighing.  
  
"I think we're all glad that you're here, even if they refuse to say so." TK put a bowl of salad in a cooler and shut the lid, using the plastic container for a seat. "You've been gone a long time, Yamato." He used his brother's full name to emphasize that point.  
  
"I know, TK. It's been a really busy time, though. And it's not like I don't come back every couple of weeks." He said defensively, sitting on the end of a bench facing his sibling.  
  
"Yeah, but when you do come home, it's normally only long enough to use my couch, take a shower, eat, and run. You barely even have a chance to say 'hi' to the others, let alone figure out what's going on in their lives." TK stopped smiling to look with disapproval at the older blonde. "You really need to talk to everyone, even if you have to force them to listen. You've let things go on in some ways too long without talking about it. There are so many things that you don't know, but that you should."  
  
"Like what?" He looked with concern at the younger man. "Are you okay?"   
  
That brought the grin back. "I'm perfectly fine. I miss my older brother like hell, but I'll live. This picnic was a really good idea, and I'm glad that everyone could make it. Thank you for suggesting it."  
  
"No prob. I knew that if I invited everyone, only half would show, since I missed half the things that I've been invited to in the last eight years." His band had made it to success, and had at least two hit singles a year, keeping them in the competition. "But that's going to change. I'm retiring at the end of this summer, and I'll be coming home."  
  
"Really?" TK jumped up and hugged his brother, forgetting for a moment that he wasn't a kid any longer, and that it was odd for two grown men, siblings, to embrace each other in the middle of a park. Davis didn't count. "That's great, Yama! Do you have a place to stay? If not, you can stay with me, I've got the room."  
  
"Thanks, Takeru, but I might have another place to stay. It just might take me a little effort to get them to agree." They both looked to where Ken and Davis were watching them with amusement. Tai had glanced over, and then looked away, so he didn't see the glance that the blondes sent him.  
  
"Good luck, you'll need it. I would suggest that you start begging and pleading soon, before you lose your chance. But before you do that, I think that you should speak to your fiancee." He gestured to where Sora was standing with the other women. She caught Matt's eye and separated from her friends. "Excuse me."  
  
"Hi, Matt." She spoke softly, looking at him with calm brown eyes. "We need to talk."  
  
______________  
  
End note: For the intent and purpose of this fic/these fics, everyone is dressed in casual clothing, like jeans and T-shirts. Except Sora, who's wearing high-heels for some reason. 


	3. It's been awhile

Author's note: This is the fourth song on the BREAK THE CYCLE LP, from Staind. The bad part about .txt files is that you don't have all the options of text and font.  
  
Warning: Ep 50 coupling. /evil grin/.  
  
//song lyrics//  
______________________________  
  
Author: Rae (penname)  
Title: Break the cycle-It's been awhile  
Content: Sorato/Yamora. Yaoi hints, plus others.  
  
"Yeah, we do." Matt nodded, and she sat down on the cooler that TK had abandoned. "How are you?"  
  
"Good, I'm good." She looked away from the intensity of his blue gaze, and down at her left hand. Sh still wore the ring that he had given her six years ago, when he promised to give up the band and marry her. "You?"  
  
"I can't really complain." He followed her gaze and swallowed. Hard. This wasn't exactly the way you were supposed to talk with the woman you were supposed to marry, not after having been apart for nearly two years. They talked on the phone, but it was sporadic and often interrupted on Matt's end by his band.  
  
She had tried touring with him at one point, but had gone back to school for her degree. The late night parties, and constant lack of privacy wore on her quickly, even though he never seemed to notice.  
  
  
//It's been awhile  
Since I could hold my head high  
And it's been awhile  
Since I first saw you//  
  
  
A long silence followed, neither really knowing what to say. Matt spoke up. "I'm sorry." She looked at him, her eyes soft and filled with understanding.  
  
"There's no need to apologize, Matt. You deserved the respect and adulation of your fans, and I realize that there's little else that can compare than a successful concert. I was there, watching, for a while, remember?"  
  
"Yeah, I remember. You were miserable, and I ignored you, until there was a camera in my face." Her smile was pained, but still gentle.  
  
"You were happy, and that was enough for a while." But not forever.  
  
  
//And it's been awhile  
Since I could stand on my own two feet again  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could call you//  
  
  
She had studied business and clothing design, and had been accepted into a large corporation right away. Now she was a VP, with her own staff. Biyomon was her assistant, though she had been offered a vice presidency also.  
  
When she stopped traveling with him, Matt had started to have less and less time to talk to her, and they had drifted apart. To save part of their failing relationship, he had taken a break, and spent a month at home, six years ago. He had proposed the day he left, and they had parted with the hope that it would work between them from then on.  
  
  
//But everything I can't   
remember as fucked up as it  
all may seem  
the consequences  
that I've rendered//   
  
  
It had just gone hill from there. They barely wrote, they only spoke with each other one day a week, that slipped into one day a month. Neither really wanted to be the one to hurt the other, so they stayed in a relationship that neither was happy.   
  
He looked down, leaning over to put his elbows on his knees, so that their faces were closer. "I never meant to become so distant. I just didn't know what to say, what to write. I should have gotten my head out of my ass sooner. I put you through so much shit, and I never took the time to care."  
  
"But I knew that you did, even if you couldn't express how much. I never felt the lack of our friendship. You were always with me, in my heart and mind, and I knew that you thought of me, sometimes. That was enough."  
  
"I can't believe that you don't hate me." His blue eyes were incredulous.  
  
  
//I've stretched  
myself beyond my means  
Its' been awhile  
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted//  
  
  
"Matt, I don't hold any hard feelings from the last several years." She smiled at him with a teasing sparkle in her eyes. "I know how hard it is for a big rock star to talk to us little people."  
  
He smiled in response, a small tilting of his lips. "So, what's new?"  
  
"Nothing much. I'm putting together a small brochure that the company wants to send out, advertising some of my latest designs. It will bolster my rep, and hopefully, increase sales."  
  
"You're amazing, you know that?" His smile widened into a small grin.  
  
"Of course." They laughed softly together, their knees almost touching. They were comfortable together, even after such a long time apart. That ability to relax with each other was the reason that they had started dating. There had never been any pretense of being in love, though some of their friends had assumed that.   
  
"Nice ego, Takenouchi." He brushed a strand of hair back behind her ear with gentle fingers. "I missed you."   
  
"I missed you, too." She smiled, leaning her cheek into his palm. With a sigh, she pulled back and touched her right hand to the ring on the left one. "I think that you might want this back."  
  
  
//It's been awhile  
Since I could say I love myself as well  
It's been awhile  
Since I've gone and fucked things  
up just like I always do//  
  
  
He watched as she removed the silver band. On one side were her initials, TS, and on the other, a replica of the crest of friendship. He had had it especially crafted for her, his gift to his future wife, and a bribe for her to stick with him.  
  
She handed him the band with a slight smile. "I can't believe that six years passed so quickly." He nodded in agreement, putting the ring in his back pocket. "Rumor has it that you're coming home for good."  
  
"Where did you hear that?" He wasn't really surprised. It wasn't exactly a secret, but he hadn't announced it to the press, yet. He had one more concert, in a week, and then his contract was up. The band was already lining up a new singer, and he would still write some of their music.  
  
  
//And it's been awhile  
But all that shit seems to   
disappear when I'm with you  
But everything I can't remember  
as fucked up as it all may seem//  
  
  
"I didn't, really. I just assumed that that's what you told TK to make him so happy." He nodded, responding to her initial inquiry. "So, when were you going to tell the rest of us?" She waved around to encompass the rest of the digi-destined.  
  
"I was hoping to do it today, before anyone left. I kind of wanted to tell someone else, first." He looked away guiltily, but she just smiled gently. She was a compassionate person, and she had understood his feelings long before. She reached out a hand and covered the two he had clasped above his knees.  
  
"Have courage, and friendship will find love." She laughed slightly as he raised an eyebrow at her. "I'm horrible at poetry. Try this: Have love, and friendship will find courage."  
  
  
//The consequences that I've rendered,  
I''ve gone and fucked up things again.  
Yhy must I feel this way  
Just make this go away,   
just one more peaceful day.//  
  
  
"Thank you, Sora. You're a true friend." He took her hand between his, and leaned forward, placing a chaste kiss on her cheek. "Why couldn't I fall in love with you?"  
  
"Because you were meant to love another. And so was I." Brown eyes met blue, and her smile widened. "Don't look so surprised, or betrayed. I'm not seeing anyone else. I just...I fell in love with another, and I've been waiting for you to get back. I didn't want to break our engagement over the phone."  
  
He smiled slightly mockingly, not really angry or hurt, just feeling left out. "I thought this was too easy." His expression softened when he saw the worry in hers. "I wish that I had known, though that's my fault, too. This could have happened so much sooner."  
  
  
//It's been awhile  
Since I could look at myself straight  
And it's been awhile  
Since I said I'm sorry//  
  
"Oh, Yamato!" She sighed in exasperation. "Stop blaming yourself for losing touch. Anyone of us could have gone to you and dragged your ass back, but we didn't. We're as much to blame for your distance as you."  
  
"I wish that you had." There was a sadness in his eyes that she'd never seen. "I really missed you guys. I know that I did it myself, but when noone pushed, I figured that they didn't really care. I know that that was wrong!" He said when she opened her mouth to protest. "I know that everyone cared, but I felt so alone, especially after we became engaged."  
  
  
//And it's been awhile  
Since I've seen the way  
the candle lights your face  
But I can still remember   
just the way you taste//  
  
  
"I'm sorry, too, Matt." She refered to him by his nickname again. "I could have tried harder to be a better friend, but I became caught up in what I was doing here. We're all to blame, in a way. You for cutting us off, and us for not trying harder."  
  
"I kept hoping that you'd decide to come back on the tour with me. It was a lot easier, having a true friend along, one that knew me beyond my voice. I felt really lost, but I couldn't ask you to give it up. I knew that I was being selfish, but I didn't care."  
  
"You're human, Matt. You wanted comfort, and you withdrew farther when you didn't find it. I thought, once, about going back, too. It was the week of finals, that first year at college, and I was frustrated and stressed beyond belief. Then Izzy offered to help me, and I realized how badly I wanted to pass."  
  
"You're really good at what you do, Sora. I'm glad, now, that you didn't give it up for me." The sincerity in his voice was unmistakeable.  
  
  
//But everything I can't Remember  
as fucked up as it all may seem to be  
I know it's me I cannot blame this on my  
father he did the best he could for me//  
  
  
"So am I." Matt leaned up, setting his elbow on the table. "So, what are you going to do now?"  
  
She stood up, dusting off the seat of her pants needlessly. With a measured look, Matt thought for a moment. "The same as you. Go find the one I love and tell him. And hope that he'll accept my apology. I haven't called or written him since I asked you to marry me. I think that we've spoken all of three words together. He tried to communicate, but I couldn't bring myself to respond."  
  
  
//Its been awhile  
Since I could hold my head up high  
and it's been awhile sicne I said  
I'm sorry//  
  
  
"Good luck, Ishida Yamato, though you shouldn't need it. He's been waiting for you to come to your senses for six years." She bowed slightly, then walked away to do as he suggested.  
  
______________________  
  
Bad, good, horribly horrificly dull? Chapter four: "Epiphany". Soshiro/Koura. You are warned. 


	4. Epiphany

Author's note: Chapter four. Izzy/Sora. I'm not really certain how it's written. I think that they make a good couple. This is the second time I've put them together in a fic. I think that the words to this song can fit Izzy really well, especially the way some people write him as being really...wordy?  
  
  
Warning: Soshiro/Koura. Straight coupling.   
  
//song lyrics//   
  
~email~  
________________  
  
  
Title: Break the cycle-EPIPHANY  
  
  
//Your words to me just a whisper  
Your Faces so unclear  
I try to pay attention  
Your words just disappear//  
  
"Izzy?" Sora walked up to him from behind, cutting him off midsentence. He had been speaking to Cody and Joe, but as soon as he heard her voice, he forgot what he was saying. She had always had that effect on him.  
  
With a look of understanding, Joe turned to Cody and suggested getting something to drink. Izzy looked at the woman before him, feeling his heart beating faster just for being near her. "How can I help you, Sora?" He hated sounding so cold, but he couldn't muster the courage to be warmer, lest she know what he felt, and feel uncomfortable for it.  
  
She looked away quickly, then back up. He had grown quite a bit taller, and, along with Joe, was one of the tallest of the group. His red hair was short and spike, as it had been in his teens. "Not really. I just wanted to know if I could talk to you for a little bit."   
  
Despite his stiff stance, she could read the warmth in his dark eyes. He nodded, looking around for a place to sit. "Let's go back to the table, shall we?" He didn't really want to join the others, but asking her to walk off alone with him would be too suggestive.  
  
"I kind of wanted to talk to you privately." She blushed slightly, brown eyes drawn down to his collar. "How about that bench over there?" She pointed to a bench on the opposite side of the picnic area from their friends.  
  
  
//'Cause it's always raining in my head  
forget all the things I should have said//  
  
  
"Of course." He took her arm out of deference to the high heels she was wearing, and guided her to the bench that she had located. He waited for her to sit first, then joined her, angling his body so that he could face her. "Let me assist you."   
  
So formal, so polite.  
  
  
//So I speak to you in riddles 'cause   
My words get in my way.//  
  
  
When she didn't start right away, he angled his head to get a better look at her eyes. She looked thoughtful, and so beautiful to him, that he wanted to take her in his arms and hold her. Instead, he tapped her nose gently, and smiled softly, wanting to offer her what comfort he felt she would accept.  
  
"Want to talk about it?" He offered, overlooking the fact that she had asked if she could talk to him. His effort earned him a genuine smile, her eyes crinkling at the corners. It caused his heart to do a cartwheel.  
  
"Matt and I just broke our engagement." She spoke so simply that it took him a moment to understand the implications behind that statement. She was free.  
  
Not wanting to trod on hurt toes, uncertain of how exactly it had affected her emotionally, he offered a quiet apology, silenting cheering in his head. "I apologize for the loss of your relationship." That didn't sound as sympathetic as he had hoped.  
  
"We parted on good terms, and that's important. We can be what we were always meant to be to each other. Friends, and nothing more." There was a light in her eyes that hadn't been there for a long time. It was aimed directly at him, but he couldn't discern it's meaning.  
  
  
//I smoke the Whole thing to my head and feel it  
Wash away//  
  
  
He heard the way she said that, listened to her emphasis on 'friends'. She spoke with a sincerity that told volumes. She hadn't been in love with her fiancee. She was glad that they had broken it off. She felt relief, a little satisfaction, and an uncertainty, but not of her relationship with Matt.   
  
"Friends are always good to have." Izzy experimented slowly. They had drawn closer since she went back to college. He had helped her with her homework, and she had set him up on dates with her friends until he flat out told her that he didn't want to date.  
  
At least, he didn't want to date someone that wasn't her, but he couldn't tell her that. He wanted her in his life in whatever capacity that he could have her. If they were only friends, then he'd handle that, no matter what it cost him to watch her eventually marry another and have his children.  
  
  
//'cause I can't take anymore  
Of this, I want to come apart,  
or dig myself A little hole inside  
your precious heart//  
  
  
"Yes, they are." She agreed with a nod. He looked at the ground, turning to face forward. He felt her gaze slide to him, and search his face. With a tilt of her head, she changed the subject. "How's work?"  
  
The happy way in which she said it made him turn his head sharply, but she was looking away from him, her elbows on the back of the bench. "Work's good, actually. We made a lot of progress on the program I was telling you about."  
  
"Voice-automation?"  
  
"Yes!" He wanted to hug her for remembering. She was one of the few who made the attempt to understand. His work was dull to those who didn't care for computers, or who couldn't keep up with the words he used. Sora, at one time, had made a point of carrying a dictionary wherever they went. He had been slightly insulted at first, but she hadn't meant it meanly, she just knew that he had a difficult problem 'speaking down' as she called it.  
  
"You know, we could really use a program like that at the corporation. We could use it when we measure the models, and when we fit them. That way we wouldn't waste time trying to write everything in shorthand, and I wouldn't have to worry about retraining a new assistant when Biyo takes the newest promotion they offered."  
  
"That's excellent. You'll both do well, I'm sure. You deserve much of life." He smiled at her, black eyes glinting in the sun light.  
  
  
//'Cause it's always raining in my head  
Forget all the things I should have said//  
  
  
"Thanks, Izzy. I appreciate your support." With her left hand, she pushed her bangs out of her eyes, and his gaze caught the white band of skin around her finger. She put her hand down nervously. She didn't want him to be reminded of the fact that she had belonged to another just minutes before.   
  
"My aid is at your disposal when needed. To refute a friend would be the ultimate in betrayal, and unworthy of me." His voice held less warmth that it had moments before. She felt slightly hurt, and he was groaning inwardly.  
  
Not only did he feel the emotional distance between them, he kept widening the gap. He knew that his chance was slowly slipping away. He had felt so hopeful moments before when she spoke of her broken engagement, but that had quickly soured. He was a friend, and friends were good to have.  
  
  
//I am nothing more that a little boy inside  
That cries out for attention,  
Yet I always try to hide//  
  
  
She licked her lips, glancing at Izzy, who had gone back to staring at his feet. She wished that he'd turn to face her again. She wanted him to look at her like he had for the last six years. She wanted his love, and she wanted him to know that he had hers.  
  
He cut into her thoughts as he stood up. He turned to face her, running a hand through his hair, making it stand on end even more. She watched the way it curled around his fingers before he let his arm fall back to his side. "You know that I'm available whenever, should you need me. My door is always open for you, Sora." He said her name with such affection, before starting to walk away.  
  
She blinked, watching his back as he moved back towards the others. With a desperate knoweledge that she had to move quickly, she acted on impulse and pulled out her cellphone. (a/n: This could happen!) It was a new one that Izzy had bought her for Christmas. The company he worked for had made it, and programmed an instant email service into it.  
  
She punched the keys, then hit send. ~Have you ever been in love?~  
Even as he walked away, she heard his beep and saw him pause long enough to pull it out of his pocket. He hit a button, and looked at the screen, coming to a complete standstill. She swallowed, licking her lips, as he stood there, unmoving, for several moments.  
  
Her phone beeped suddenly, and she looked down. She hit the recieve button, and looked at the screen closely. She tapped her finger on the plastic, trying to think of a response. ~Have you?~  
  
  
//'Cause I talk to you like children.  
Though I don't know   
How I feel but I know  
I'll do the right thing  
If the right thing is revealed.//  
  
  
Following her own advice, she swallowed her pride, and took her courage by the tail. ~Yes. Once. But he's been my best friend for six years, and I don't know how to tell him.~  
  
The response was almost immediate. ~I know many words that describe the human emotion love, but, in this case, I think that there are three that you should use, in this order. I. Love. You. Trust me, there isn't a soul on earth that wouldn't like those words coming from your lips.~  
  
She stood up as he turned around, waiting for her response. There was no pretense anymore, they both knew what was coming. Yet, she held back, her fingers pausing over the send key after she typed in those eight little letters. If she sent it, and misunderstood, it would break her heart, but if she was right, and he loved her, and she didn't send it, it would break his.   
  
Without a second thought, she hit the button, and then waited for his phone to beep.  
  
//But it's always raining in my head  
-forget all the thing things  
I should have said//  
  
  
He looked at his phone in amazement, his face a mask of shock and pleasure. He looked up, prepared to tell her how much he loved her, how much she meant. He had the words, lined up in his head, ready to let them pour out.  
  
He approached her determined to tell her everything that was in his heart, but she licked her lips, and with a sudden urge, he dropped his eloquence, letting it slip away as his lips met hers in a soul-searing kiss.   
  
From the picnic table, Matt caught the kiss, and let out a whoop, causing the others to look up. They looked at the happy couple, blushing in each other's arms, and followed Matt's lead, applauding them on finally getting together. Nobody seemed to notice that it was her ex of thirty minutes that started the cheering.  
  
_______________________  
  
That was...okay...I think. It was something, anyway. Hope you enjoyed. FYI/WARNING: Yaoi only beyond this point. 


	5. Outside

Author's note: Part five. My little Tai/Matt part.   
_______________________  
  
Title: Break the cycle: OUTSIDE  
  
//And you, bring me to my kees  
again All the times,   
I had to beg you please//  
  
  
Tai looked up as Matt hollered, his gaze spinning to look at Sora in Izzy's arms, both their faces as red as Izzy's hair with the realization that the entire group was staring at them.  
  
The others clapped, and he joined them half-heartedly. He was happy for his friends, but he didn't register anything beyond the fact that Matt was clapping the loudest at the sight of his fiancee and friend kissing. Leave it to Tai to be the last to know.  
  
Was he bitter? Yes, and no. He loved his friends, loved them all dearly. They were truly the best that anyone could ask for. They would stand by him, as he would stand by them.  
  
As for the 'know every little secret' type friends, only three out of the group had ever truly known him. Davis, because they were kindred spirits; Kari, since she was his own flesh-and-blood; and years ago, Matt. Because they balanced each other, could read each other. He had been close to Sora, but she was too...something. Just, not close enough to share that much with.   
  
They, Matt and Tai, had been so close, they had seemed inseperable. Even when Matt started dating Sora, whom the others thought of as 'Tai's girl', they had kept together. Nothing could break them apart.  
  
  
//-in vain  
All the times,   
that I feel insecure  
for you and I leave my burdens at the door//  
  
  
Except maybe Tai, himself. When Matt had stopped writing the others for long periods of time, the former leader had hid the letters he received weekly, not wanting them to notice anything out of the ordinary. Matt had sent more letters to him than any of the others, but he hadn't written back. He couldn't bring himself to pen a response, not one that he thought Matt would want to hear.  
  
He had every record they put out, each single. He had a scrapbook that he had made, starting from the time that the Teenage Wolves played their first gig, to the last concert that Matt had given. Tai was aware that there was only one left. The blonde had included it in his last letter.  
  
Just because he didn't respond, didn't mean that Tai didn't read the letters that he got. They were stashed in a stackable tupperware set, filed according to date, his favorites earmarked. He had almost thrown it out several times, but he gave up when he found himself standing over the trash can, his knuckles white as they refused to loosen on the handles.  
  
  
//But I'm on the outside  
I'm looking in//  
  
  
Their was no doubt in his mind that he loved Ishida Yamato, just as he knew that his friend loved him in return, even if that love was different. Letter after letter, he had tried to put his emotions in the back of his head as he composed the letter that would put Matt's mind to ease about their friendsip. He asked for reassurance time and time again, apologizing for never visiting for long enough.  
  
He had never noticed that it was really Tai who never stayed long. That it was Tai who avoided his phone calls, ignoring the knocking when the blonde did manage to stop long enough to look him up again. Matt simply took the blame, and pleaded for forgiveness that would never come, because there was nothing to forgive.  
  
How do you tell your best friend that you want nothing to do with them, because the sound of their name kills a little piece of your soul? How do you say that a fuzzy photograph sends such a heart-breaking ache through your body, stirring a craving for their company, the sound of their voice, the touch of their skin?  
  
How do you say that to another guy, when they once hit their own brother for being gay?  
  
He apologized for that one, too. TK had accepted that, and they were close, now. But it had nearly killed Tai, and he had refused to have anything at all to do with Matt until he spoke things out with his brother. He said at the time that it wasn't right for Matt to judge, and he had meant it. To Yagami 'Tai' Taichi, love was love, and it didn't matter who you loved, as long as you loved.  
  
And he loved his homophobic ex-best friend, who had, it seemed, recently broken his engagement, and was at that moment stalking toward him, his blue eyes hardened by determination.  
  
  
//I can see through you  
See your true colors//  
  
  
Tai felt his heart lift at the sight of that pale face, despite its single-minded hardness. Those dear, familiar features that haunted his dreams, the mask that he had fallen in love with at the tender age of eleven.  
  
Even if he hadn't exactly been tender at that age. He had been so full of himself, and so cock-sure, that nobody, in his mind, could possibly have been a better leader, and digidestined than he. Hindsight was painful.  
  
Angst-ridden, prepubescent jerk was a better description of what he had been then. Not that he'd really changed all that much. They fought like kids all through high school. If it hadn't been for college, and the tour-circuit, they probably would have kept arguing forever, content to win every other battle.  
  
He looked away from Yamato to where Daisuke had taken over the conversation with Cody, and Joe. There was an interesting trio. Two brains and the brainless wonder. Or, two jocks and the four-eyed geek. Or, two of the people he'd thought about replacing Yama, and dismissed.  
  
Oh, yes. He was pathetic. He couldn't have his heart's desire, so he started lusting after half his friends. Except for Takeru, who was just too similar and yet different from his brother. And Cody, because his sister would have killed him. The teacher and the lawyer. It sounded like some cheap romance novel.  
  
  
//Cause inside you're ugly  
You're ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you//  
  
  
No, that wasn't fair. They were a wonderful couple. Two of the nicest, and most giving people in the world, and they were together. He glanced over at his sister, trying to keep his gaze anywhere but the approaching blonde.  
  
Kari. Beautiful, sweet Kari, who had helped to save both worlds twice. Her and Takeru. Takeru who looked so much like his brother. Beautiful, like Kari. Angelic, and innocent, like their partners. Patamon, who with Gatomon was holding a similar meeting in the Digital World, according to Agumon.  
  
Agumon, his best friend. He had left him out of his list of most trusted people earlier, mainly because even the orange Digimon was kept in the dark about his love life.   
  
Or lack thereof. He wasn't about to tell the lover of his love's partner. That would be like telling Yamato himself. Not that Agumon, or Gabumon had big mouthes, per se, but they weren't exactly the most secretive of digimon, either.   
  
Of course, they only told each other and their partners, which was the problem. His partner's lover's partner. Yeah. Something like that.   
  
"Yagami."   
  
  
//All the times that I felt   
like this won't end//  
  
  
Oh, god. That voice. The sweet melody that invaded his soul with it's gentle whisper. The chime of that glorius god-like creature he wished for his own, with the touch of silk...  
  
"Yo, Tai!" A pale hand hit him none too gently on the side of the head, pulling him out of his thoughts. So much for a light touch. "Are you with us now?"   
  
The smile was the same. Mocking, but concerned if you knew where to look. Controlled, and calmed, with the slightest hint of worry in the corner. How can anyone look into those eyes, and remember their name? How could you walk away from that glow, the essence of life that sat like an aura around him?  
  
When the hell did he start to be poetic? Yagami Taichi was not a poet, he wasn't a writer. He was simply in love. With another angel, one that he could only watch from beneath the pedestal.  
  
__________________  
  
Interesting. From Matt's side of things, still 3rd person  
__________________  
  
//was for you  
And I taste what I could  
never have  
it's from you//  
  
  
Damn Tai. Why couldn't he even look at him? Was it too much to expect that brown gaze to rest on him with a hint of it's normal intensity, it's curious, and comforting light? He needed to look into those eyes, to know the thoughts behind them. To feel the connection they had shared once.  
  
Impossible, probably. He knew that once upon a time, he had been the center of Taichi's universe, as Tai had been his. That was before he asked Sora out, before he used his friend as a cover from himself, and his other half.  
  
His better half. That life, the energy that focused on something, and changed it with is determination that it should be different. The half that had stood up to the Dark Masters with a certainty that he could only pretend at.  
  
Tai was the person he wished he could be. Strength, perseverance, integrity. He would never run away just because he was afraid of facing the person he was. His best friend would never do that.  
  
It wasn't Tai's fault that he never happened to be home when Matt came to visit. It wasn't his fault that he missed his phone calls, and never got the letters. That was the problem, after all. He had never known how hard Matt tried to get in touch with him. How much the blonde needed him, needed to hear is voice.  
  
  
//All the times that I've tried, my intentions  
full of pride  
But I waste more time  
Than anyone//  
  
  
How could he blame the brunette for the distance between them? It wasn't possible. He had screwed up, and he'd been forced to pay the consequences ever since.   
  
Not anymore. He was going to take control of his life. No more concerts, no more publicity. He was ready to take over, and there wasn't anything in the world that was going to stop him.   
  
Except for the man studiously avoiding his gaze. The glimpses he caught of those eyes were guilt-filled, and apologetic. That wasn't right. Tai wasn't to blame. Matt had screwed up. But he was going to fix it.   
  
He was going to fix everything. He had hope and love on his side. Now, all he needed was the courage to find the words he'd tried so hard to press down for six years. Hell, since he was a kid.   
  
There was no avoiding it any longer. No more hiding from himself. No more running away from Tai, and pretending he wasn't in love with him.   
  
  
//But I'm on the outside  
I'm looking in//  
  
  
"Matt, I'm sorry." That stopped whatever confession he'd been about to utter. He was speechless for a moment, uncertain as to where that apology had come from. "I'm sorry that I've ignored your phone calls, and haven't answered any of your letters, and that I pretended I wasn't home when you came. I'm so sorry."  
  
He had...what? The guilty eyes, and the nervous hitch in his breathing. The remorse and pain when he pretended that Matt didn't exist. He struggled with the realization for a moment, wanting to deny it. His brain refused to listen. "You pushed me away."  
  
It wasn't a question, and it didn't deserve a response. Tai accepted that, and forced himself to look at Matt.   
  
The blonde was stunned. All the thoughts, all the speeches that he had planned flew out of his mind. With those words, with that apology, all of his hopes crashed. It wasn't his fault. He had done nothing.  
  
Tai had decided that he wasn't worth his time, that they weren't friends. Tai had made the choice to throw almost a decade worth of memories and dreams out of the window.  
  
"Why?" His voice wavered, a hoarse, dry sound. His blue eyes were dark pools of pain, and he could feel the ache begin deep in his stomach. A lifetime of hopes, and years of friendship, washed away in one afternoon.   
  
He had thought that he could capture that elusive bond that had existed between them since the beginning. Through arguements, battles, and opposing viewpoints, they had built their relationship on the knoweledge that they would always be there for each other.  
  
"Why wasn't I good enough for you?" The anger began to well up, overpowering the desolation. "When did you decide that, oh benevolent leader?"   
  
Tai flinched, and looked away. Matt ignored the flash of pain in his eyes. Screw courage. Screw friendship. And FUCK love!  
  
  
//I can see through you  
See your true colors  
Cause inside you're ugly  
You're ugly like me//  
  
  
  
  
"How dare you? We saved the world side-by-side, Yagami. We went through hell and back together. And it's that simple for you to throw it all away?"  
  
"Yamato-"  
  
"Shut up!" He complied, meeting that hard blue gaze again. "Damn you." He almost smiled, the curve to his lips feral. "You're a fucking bastard, Yagami. And you should be sorry, because you've just thrown away the most important relationship with another human being that I've ever had."  
  
"Matt..." He tried again, only to be cut off as the blonde slapped him. Just a swipe across his cheek, but enough to make his head snap back, and his eyes widen in surprise.   
  
"You don't even deserve to talk to me. Anything but this, Tai, and we could have talked it out. I pushed everyone else away, knowing that you alone could sustain me when everything else failed. I had so many hopes for our reunion. I could have faced the world with you, Taichi."  
  
"I'm..."  
  
Another slap, on the other cheek. Tanned cheeks were flushed with shame, and a growing fury. He deserved anything that he got, he knew that. He wasn't even worthy of Matt's scorn, of that the blonde knew. He knew he was pushing his friend, but dammit, he wouldn't be denied an honest explanation, and he knew that Tai would only offer that if he was well and truly pissed. Experience had shown him that.  
  
"You're a bastard, Yagami."  
  
//I can see through you  
See to the real you//  
  
  
"Fuck you." They were staring each other down like old times. Not in the companionable way they had as teens, when they knew each other so well, that there was no chance of actually hurting each other, but as they had as kids. When it came down to whoever broke down first.   
  
"You talk real sorry, Tai. I don't give a rat's ass if you're sorry. I don't want your apology. I. Want. To. Know. WHY!" He lunged at him, sending them sprawling back into the dirt. They had long ago attracted the attention of the others. Some were frowning at them, worried that they were about to kill each other.   
  
Daisuke, Takeru, Hikari, and Sora all watched with approval as the two grown men rolled around on the ground, beating the crap out of each other. As far as they were concerned, it was past due. A few minutes later, dirty and covered in blood and bruises, Tai managed to pin Matt beneath him, his face inches away from the blondes.  
  
"What did I do that made you hate me?" Matt swallowed hard, forcing the question out, closing his eyes against Tai's glare. He couldn't have made the situation worse if he'd tried. Now they were acting like adolescents, and Tai probably hated him for bringing them down to that level. The musician doubted that he'd ever be able to get up without help again. It was meant emotionally, not physically.  
  
He needed Tai, whether he wanted to admit it, or not. He would always need him. It was exactly as he had said. He could live without any of the others, even Takeru, as much as that would pain him. However, the mere thought of a life without Taichi was so painful, that he doubted he'd survive such a fate. Seriously.  
  
Something dripped on his face, and he opened his eyes in surprise. Tai, with bruises forming on both cheeks, was crying above him, his weight supported in his hands pressed on the ground on either side of Matt. "Taichi?" He wanted to reach up, and wipe those tears away, but his hands were stuck to his sides.  
  
"Gods, Yamato, why couldn't you just let it go?" He rasped out, ducking his head so that he wouldn't have to meet the blue eyes that had gone from anger, to caring. He pushed himself up, and away, moving to sit in the dirt beside him, his head against his knees, his arms wrapped aroudn his legs.   
  
Matt slowly sat up, gazing at him. If he hadn't known that he was nearly twenty-six, he would have mistaken him for a little kid in that position. He looked like a scared little boy, lost by himself in a world too big for him. "Tai?" He reached out a hand, touching his shaking shoulder gently.   
  
  
//All the times that I've cried,  
all this wasted,  
it's all inside//  
  
  
Blue eyes looked up, and his gaze connected with Daisuke's first. With a slight smile, he mimicked holding him, and the blonde moved to wrap his arms around his sobbing friend. "I'm so sorry, Yama. It wasn't supposed to be like this."  
  
"Shh. I know." Dark arms made their way around his waist, and he felt himself being held tigthly. It wasn't comfortable, but at that point, he didn't care if Tai ever let go. He was being held, and he was holding him, and that was enough.  
  
"I couldn't bring myself to write that letter. Just one letter, Yama, and it would have been over. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't let go of the hope that someday, somehow, it would all work out. I knew it was stupid, and I should have realized that so long ago, but the hope was always there. That, just maybe..."  
  
His gaze moved onto Takeru, who reached over to rub Daisuke's head. The redhead pulled away, giving him a strange look, but Matt got the hint. He smoothed back wild brown hair, still rocking his body. He rested his chin against Tai's temple, not wanting to lose that closeness just yet. He needed it. If nothing else worked out, it would be his only memory of Tai in his arms, of Tai needing him. He fought down tears of his own at the thought of moving onto another life without the brunette.  
  
A bleak, and lonely life.  
  
_________________  
  
Yeah. This will flip back and forth as omnipotent 3rd person  
_________________  
  
  
//And I feel all this   
pain stuffed it down//  
  
  
  
They both refused to loosen their holds, Tai secure in Matt's arms, Matt concentrating on the breath tickling his neck. If memories were all they had, they were both set to make the most of them. Their audience waited with quiet expectancy.   
  
To say that any of them were surprised would have challenged their intelligence. The chemistry and the bond had been apparent to all of them for a very long time.  
  
"Maybe what?" He had to ask. Whether he wanted the answer or not, the question had to be put to voice. Time wasn't going to freeze for them, and Matt knew that sooner or later, Tai would pull back.  
  
"That maybe we could go back to the beginning, and start again. Reverse all the mistakes we made, take back all the time we wasted by fighting and ignoring each other." Tai pulled away, forcing his puffy eyes to meet Matt's.   
  
"What would that have accomplished?" It was a gentle inquiry, made as he put a pale hand lightly against that dark cheek. "Would it solve all of our problems? Make everything better? Think of everything that we would have missed if we had done things differently. I wouldn't have meant you, if things hadn't been the way they were."  
  
"I don't mean everything. Just some of the small things. Like our bickering, and the fact that I..." He stood up, separating completely from the blonde.   
  
"That you what?" Matt didn't bother to stand up. His blue gaze followed Tai as he walked away from him. He could feel it, they both could. The call of the inevitable. They were going to have to put everything on the line, and hope that it all worked out. Time was running out, and they had to act fast, or take the chance of losing it all.  
  
  
//It's back again and  
I lie here in bed  
All alone, but I can't mend//  
  
  
Instead of answering, Tai dodged the question. "Did you know that I kept everyone of your letters?" Confused by the sudden change in topics, Matt shook his head.   
  
"No. Actually, I thought you'd never gotten them" Tai turned back around.  
  
"Not gotten over a hundred letters?" The thougt was enough to make him question Yamato's IQ, until he rememberd the shocked look on his face when he admitted to ignoring him.  
  
Damn, damn, damn. He didn't want to think about the asshole he'd been for six years. The look in Matt's gaze was sincere. If he asked for it, Tai could have all of his wrongs forgiven. They could start again, and his stupidity and ignorance would be put behind them.  
  
He only had to ask, and the world would be righted, and his best friend would stand beside him forever. Like old times, like always. He opened his mouth, ready to say the words that stuck in his throat. The blonde stood up, his eyes filling with the pain of rejection.   
  
Tai wasn't going to tell him that everything was alright. He wasn't going to put everything back in order so that they could go on with their life together. He had wasted too much time away, that the rift was irrepairable. There was no going back to the days when they were content to spend the day together doing nothing. No more looking up at the stars and making wishes together  
  
  
//-but I feel   
Tomorrow will be O.K.//  
  
  
Tai watched as his love walked away. He felt as if his heart were bleeding. Of all the scenarios he had ever imagined, this had never been one of them. It didn't seem possible that Matt would walk away without letting him say something.   
  
Takeru stepped over him, and held out a hand. Brown eyes met blue, one pained, the other understanding. "If you let it go now, it will kill you both. It shouldn't end this way. You know that. Don't let him walk away."  
  
He thought for a moment, his gaze returning to the retreating back uncertainly. Daisuke stepped up beside them, his brown eyes reassuring. "Go after him. Tackle him and torture him until he tells you exactly what you want to hear. He needs you, Tai, almost as much as you need him. If not more. What do you have to lose at this point?"  
  
With their assurances and support behind him, he strode forward, intent on Yamato. "Ishida!" Matt stopped, and turned around, his blue eyes hopeful.   
  
"Yeah, Yagami?" He licked his lips, noticing the glint and force behind the brown gaze intent on him. "What now?"   
  
"You were going to walk away." A blonde eyebrow rose at the inanity of that statement. "This should have been done sooner."  
  
"What should have?" His heart was beating faster, waiting to hear those words he needed so desperately.   
  
Tai sighed with impatience. "The part where I tell you that I love you, and you jump into my arms to be carried off into the sunset."  
  
"That part, or the part where I tell you that I love you, and you hire a limo to take me home in the style I deserve?" They stood there, grinning at each other like circus clowns, so lost in feeling that they forgot to move.  
  



	6. Fade in

Author's note: This was originally going to be the Taito, but I realized that it didn't fit for the situation that I put them in. So I made it the next coupling. No, it's not Daiken, but it has Dai, and it's yaoi. Take a guess.  
  
^*^letter^*^  
________________  
  
Title: Break the cycle - FADE   
  
//I try to breathe  
Memories overtaking me  
I try to face them but   
the thought is too   
Much to conceive//  
  
  
Daisuke groaned comically at the embracing couple. "Too much sap for my blood."  
  
"Whatever, hot-shot. You were egging Tai on, so don't start complaining about the consequences now." Ken hit him playfully on the arm. Takeru all but grinned at the indigo-haired man. He caught himself, and turned his gaze back to his brother, who was in the process of wrestling Tai to the ground.  
  
Of course, he was being helped by Tai, who was pulling him down.  
  
"They make such an adorable couple." Mimi was nearly swooning in admiration, her arm linked tightly through Joe's. With a gusty sigh, she looked up, her russet-colored eyes wide and pleading. "Why don't we go out anymore, honey?"  
  
Trapped. Takeru smirked, rolling his eyes. The mocking expression was wiped off his face when Hikari elbowed him in the gut, and raised an eyebrow. "Just wait until it's your turn."  
  
Blue eyes flickered to Daisuke, who was watching Tai and Matt 'wrestle' on the ground. "The horror." He said it with a bit more sarcasm and anger than he'd intended, and the other eyebrow went up.  
  
"Personally, I'd be scared to be on the other side." Daisuke turned his brown eyes toward them to shoot that barb. Instead of getting angry, Takeru smiled.  
  
"That's why you left, remember? You couldn't put up with my girlish mood-swings." His tone was friendly, but the spark in his eyes was were unmistakeable. The smirk was back.  
  
"Of course. How could I forget Takeru and his PMS?"  
  
Hikari looked between them worriedly. Ken put a hand on Dai's arm, drawing his attention away from the near snarling blonde. "We don't need you two to reenact their fight." She gestured to her brother, who was now laying on top of Matt.   
  
With a deep sigh, he stretched his neck to loosen it up a little, and then put on his cheery grin. "Okay, everyone, time to play!"   
  
"We already started without you!" Matt giggled shortly before his mouth was captured in another kiss. The group erupted into giggles.  
  
"That was quick." Miyako took Dai's arm, and linked her free hand through Ken's, stepping between them. "Let's go, Tweedle Dee, and Tweedle Dum."  
  
"Of course, Mrs. T. Dum." The redhead grinned, pushing aside everything but his enjoyment of the moment. He wouldn't let Takeru ruin the first chance he'd had to make things up to his friends. He had run away for too long. Like Matt, he had pushed his friends aside, but he had done it willingly, assuming that one day, they'd all forget him.  
  
Takeru watched the trio walk away.  
  
  
//I only know that I can change  
Everything else just stays the same  
So now I step out of the darkness  
That my life became 'cause//  
  
  
He had screwed up. He knew that. It didn't take a genius to figure out that he a jackass. Hikari only shook her head at him before taking Iori's arm and following her Jogress partner, and soon-to-be Maid-of-Honor. Takeru was best man.   
  
Jyou and Mimi, all but holding hands, smiled at him weakly before leaving him behind also. Sora pushed Izzy after them, and stayed at the back with him. He had planned everything to the last detail, from the food, to the entertainment. Soccer was first after lunch, then basketball, then dinner at a nearby restaraunt.  
  
"Thank you for letting it go." Sora put a companionable arm around his shoulders. She was a beautiful woman, full of compassion and new-found happiness. "How are teams to be split up?"  
  
He had even devised a plan of splitting the teams evenly. Family was paired first, their jogress partners, and then their crests-sharers.  
  
Tai, Kari, Miyako, Mimi, Sora. Matt, Takeru, Iori, Jyou, Izzy. Ken with Matt, so that Takeru didn't have to be on Daisuke's team. Very simple, very organized. Only now, he didn't have captains, and he couldn't for the teams as well.   
  
He wanted to say that it wasn't fair, his picnic had been taken out of his control, but he couldn't deny that his brother and Tai deserved the happiness they had found. They had both been miserable for so long, it wasn't right that he should wish they had waited a little longer. It was better that they'd solved their differences quickly.   
  
"I haven't a clue anymore." He gave a resigned sigh, then chuckled. "I sound like a kid who was just told that the clown got lost on the way to his birthday party. Slap me next time I start to feel bad for myself."  
  
"Gladly. It'll be nice to hit one of the blonde heart-breakers." They laughed together. He realized long ago his brother's interest in Sora. She was a caring and giving person. Whenever a person needed a shoulder to cry on, or a willing ear to talk to, she was there. There had been many early-morning phone calls from both brothers over the years, all recieved without complaint.  
  
"You wouldn't dare. Think of what you'd do to our dashing good looks." She nodded seriously in agreement, fighting the smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth. "Not to mention the many rabid fangirls that will be flocking to remove your head and use it as a hockey puck."  
  
"Or a soccer ball. Are we going to play, or what?" Daisuke looked at him challengingly as they drew even with the others. They were standing on the edge of the field, the ball resting gently at Dai's feet. Sora bent down to trade her classy heels for a pair of tennis shoes. Nobody asked why she was wearing heels with shorts, they assumed it was a new fashion trend that she was trying to start.  
  
"Sure, we just need teams." Sora smiled up at the redhead, before her gaze flickered from brown eyes to black. Izzy smiled down at her, grinning happily.   
  
"Easy!" Dai looked at everyone. "Ken, Takeru, Hikari, Jyou, and Sora. Me, Miyako, Iori, Izzy, and Mimi. Matt's on our team when he and Tai get done, and Tai's on theirs."  
  
With a snicker, Iori started walking toward the goal. "If they ever get done." Hikari slapped him playfully on the arm, before joining the rest of her team, who were moving to the other side of the field. Iori and Jyou were goalies.  
  
___________  
  
A/n: And I refuse to go into details about the game, except that Tai and Matt did eventually join, and Ken's team kicked butt. Tai and Matt used ever opportunity available to kiss, and Takeru and Daisuke mauled each other. They left the field covered in bruises and grass-stains, while the others barely broke a sweat, except the afore mentioned couple. We're not going to go into the reasons why they're all sweaty, either.  
___________  
  
//I just needed someone to talk to   
You were just too busy with yourself//  
  
  
"You suck." Daisuke glared at Ken, who had made the winning goal. Miyako put an arm around him proudly.  
  
"You're just jealous, Dai, cause he kicked our butts." He moved his glare to her.  
  
"You were supposed to be on my team, traitor." She laughed at him, rolling her eyes as she kissed Ken's cheek.  
  
"That's what you get for splitting up all the couples. Just because you don't want to be on Takeru's team, doesn't-." Ken put a hand over her mouth, his expression incredulous.   
  
"Stay out of it, Miya." Too late. Daisuke walked away, not wanting a lecture about growing up and facing his past. He'd heard that in every letter that reached him. He was as bad as Tai, talking to everyone except the one that needed his response the most. He had other reasons, though, and he refused to back down from his stand.   
  
Takeru caught the exchange, flinched at the betrayed expression on Dai's face. Nothing to break the mood like mentioning him. He was starting to think that blonde's just had bad luck in relationships, but his brother and Tai were proving him wrong. Very graphically.  
  
"God, you two, get a room!" Sora's eyes were wide as she watched them nearly strip each other in the middle of the park. The other's were politely looking away. Rather pointedly. "Geez, Yama, do you think there's an inch of his skin that you've missed with your tongue?"  
  
Tai looked up and grinned. "You really don't want him to demonstrate the answer to that question." She closed her eyes and turned around. Takeru looked at the triumphant look on Tai's face for it was buried against Matt's chest.  
  
They really were being rude, making out in the middle of the park. He pulled out his car keys. "Yama?" His brother looked up, and Takeru tossed the keys to him. "Seriously, go get a room." The grin he got was grateful, even if they never actually thanked him. They scurried off as fast as possible towards his car. "For some reason, I have a feeling that my car isn't going to get very far."   
  
Mimi made a gagging noise at his prediction. "Thanks, TK. As if they're not enough, you just have to add to the picture." She ruffled his hair to show that there were no hard feelings. "We have to run. Jyou and I are going on our first date tonight."  
  
He hugged her. "Congratulations. It's about dang time, too."  
  
"Thanks. Whatever happened to guys sticking together?" Jyou put an arm around Mimi's waist, grinning down at her.   
  
"Sorry. Male-bonding gets redundant when you're gay. It also gets a little uncomfortable. Like trying to sit in a women's shower room and pretend that you're not affected." The analogy took a moment to make its way through Jyou's brain. He didn't get any time to dwell on it, though. The moment the light clicked on, Mimi's elbow was in his side, warning him to keep his head out of the metaphorical shower room.  
  
They made their exit.  
  
  
//You were never there for me to  
Express how I felt  
I just stuffed it down//  
  
  
He turned around to face Sora and Izzy, who were holding hands and looking guilty. He shook his head and smiled. "Go on. Have fun." Sora hugged him again, and he shook Izzy's hand. He wanted to feel abandoned, but he couldn't. The picnic had never been his. It had been Matt's, and he'd got what he wanted, and Takeru was going to be happy for him if it killed him.  
  
Which was very possible. He didn't want to have to eventually face Daisuke alone, which was inevitable, since his stuff was already at his house. He'd sent a key with the invitation, and the luggage that he'd found on his last trip home to bring the food was enough to send heart into cardiac arrest. Daisuke was home, in the apartment they had shared so briefly.  
  
He turned to watchi him, his Daisuke. His reason behind the picnic. Bluntly, they had fell into a relationship that left them both feeling fucked in the end. In every sense of the word. Takeru had felt his world shatter when he found the note from Daisuke, saying it was over.   
  
  
^*^Takeru,  
  
To the blonde angel who has made the last couple of months seem too short.   
Thank you, for making me realize exactly what I want in life.  
  
I'm sorry that that doesn't include you. You are an amazing person, and I will  
never be able to replace you, I wouldn't dishonor the memory of us together to  
bother to try. But I can't deal with it anymore.   
  
You've accused me of lying, and cheating. Just when things are starting to look   
up, you kill my hopes of the future by going into PMS-mode, and acting like a   
pregnant woman on hormones.  
  
I can't deal with that. As much as it hurts to leave you, I can't stay. Maybe,   
someday, we can try again. But today isn't that day. I'm sorry.  
  
Dais^*^  
  
Blunt to a fault, that was his Dai. The bastard had been on the plane when he read the letter. No further explanation, nothing. The bastard had made a clean break. Nothing was left in the apartment, all his bills were forwarded and he removed his name from the car they had been going to buy together.   
  
The same car that Tai and Matt were probably using in ways he had dreamed about them using to break it in.  
  
Kari and Cody were the next to sneak away. They didn't even bother to say anything to him. One moment they were there, the next, gone. Not that he'd been paying any attention to them at all. He was carefully packing up the last of the food and sneaking glances at Dai.  
  
He should have hated him, but it wasn't possible. He knew exactly what he had put Dai through during the five months they lived together. He had been a selfish and jealous lover, demanding more and more, until love just finally wasn't enough.  
  
At least, not for Dai. His control had broken, and he just finally pushed it all away, not wanting to deal with it. By putting it on the back shelf, he could ignore it, and come back to fix it later.  
  
  
//Now I'm older and I feel like  
I could let some of the anger fade  
But it seems the surface  
I am scratching  
Is the bed that I have made//  
  
  
Brown eyes looked away from Ken and Yolei, resting on the blonde at the picnic table. Maybe five years was too long.  



	7. Fade through

Author's note: Welcome to my angst. This starts with the beginning of the picnic.  
____________  
  
Title: Break the cycle-Fade  
  
  
//So where were you  
When all this I was going through//  
  
Davis shut the door to his rental car, making sure that it was locked. With a resolve he had spent the plane trip and car ride building, he started toward the picnic table where a blonde was still setting out food.   
  
As he drew nearer, he recognized the fluidity of the movements, the lines of the body. Takeru. There was no uncertainty that it was he, standing there waiting.  
  
He closed his eyes, pausing in his step. The memories were crystal clear. High school had drawn them closer together, made them best friends. It was in their first year of college that they got together.  
  
He had approached Ken, and been shot down. Naturally, he turned to his next best friend. They were close through high school, but Takeru waited until they were on-campus before asking him out.  
  
They moved in together, and, at first, it had been wonderful. They slept together, and woke up together. Takeru cooked breakfast, and did most of the chores. He only ever asked that Daisuke be happy.  
  
That lasted four months. Then Takeru began to nitpick about the little things. He complained about having to do everything, he demanded that Daisuke start holding up his end of things.  
  
Daisuke dreaded coming home. He didn't want to fight and argue. He would stay later at work, or at a study meeting. By the time he had decided to leave, he had been crawling into bed at midnight. That last night, Takeru had moved to the couch, not wanting anything to do with him.  
  
It had been the last straw. Not only did Takeru refuse to talk to him during the day until he had done all his 'chores', but they had fallen back to apologizing at night. His form on the couch that night had indicated his desire to leave things be.  
  
In anger, Daisuke had written a rather nasty note, hoping that it would give Takeru something to think about. He had been offered the chance to study abroad, and so he left, hoping that things would be better when he got back.  
  
He just never seemed to find the chance to return.  
  
He started forward again.  
  
  
//You never took the time to ask me  
Just what you could do//  
  
  
"Hi." Those lips curved in to that familiar gentle smile, and he felt his heart twist. He looked away, then gathered his resolutions back.  
  
"Hi." They approached each other, stopping barely a meter away. He squared his shoulders. "I'm sorry."  
  
That seemed the easiest way to start it off. Takeru's smile warmed, and Daisuke tried to join him. "It's past." He felt a tear slip down his cheek, and inwardly swore at his weakness.  
  
Their eyes connected, and the stepped forward, embracing each other tightly. "I'm so fucking sorry! I just...gods, I don't know. I just couldn't seem to finish a letter, and then, you wrote the last one, and I thought 'I'll just let him get on with his life'.' When the invite came, I almost cried. I thought you'd forgotten me by now."  
  
"Never!" The pale arms around him pulled him closer. "I shouldn't have given up so soon. But it hurt, really hurt, when five years went by with only one postcard. I was hoping that you'd answer the last one, but when noting came, I just put it away from me."  
  
They stayed like that, together, until a voice behind them told them that they weren't alone. "Good." Yolei smiled at them. Ken was behind her with a wheeled cooler. She took it from him, and walked away. "I'll let the three of you catch up, while I check out what we have to eat."  
  
They talked for a moment, the three of them. Then the others began to arrive, each one as he remembered them. Except Tai, who seemed on edge, and Izzy, who was without his laptop.  
  
They all moved to the picnic table to eat, Daisuke leading them excitably.  
  
"Welcome home, Davis. It's good to see you again." The blue-haired doctor sat across the table from him, next to Takeru.   
  
"Same here, Joe. Thanks for the card." He caught the look that Takeru sent them, but ignored it.   
  
"Not a problem." He turned to Matt, leaving Daisuke to either stuff his mouth full of food, or talk to the blonde eyeing him from across the table. He chose food.  
  
His cheeks puffed out with food, his attention was drawn by the teasing note in Takeru's voice. "When was the last time you ate?"  
  
He held up a finger, meaning to give him a moment. With a swig of the soda that had made it's way in front of him, he grinned. "Before I left. I don't trust plane food." Not that he ate much anyway. Takeru just smiled, and looked around the table, before eating his food.  
  
  
//I only know that I can change  
Everything else just stays the same  
So now I step out of the darkness  
That my life became 'cause//  
  
  
When everyone was done eating, they split up into little groups. He found himself talking to Tai and Ken. They were discussing their lives. Ken had decided to become a detective, which Daisuke thought was interesting, and Tai was going into politics, which surprised him.  
  
"It should be a challenge, and Agumon is going to be by my side every step of the way." He had his back to the table. Ken was looking over his shoulder oddly, and Dai barely caught the frustrated glance that Matt was sending at Tai's back.  
  
The urge to grin faded when he realized that Takeru was completely focused on his brother. He probably hadn't spared him a second thought. They sat down, facing each other, and he had a perfect view of Takeru's face.  
  
Takeru said something, his smile replaced by a frown. Then he smiled again. Two seconds later, he jumped up and hugged Matt. Daisuke glared at them. It wasnt' right for two grown men to hug each other in the middle of the park, especially if it involved Takeru, and not him.   
  
The moment was broken as Matt caught Sora's eye, and she interrupted them. Takeru took his leave, and joined their conversation.   
  
"And how about you, Daisuke?" Ken's indigo gaze was penetrating. He could feel the anxiety that simmered underneath his calm exterior. In fact, he was getting weird feelings from several members of the group.  
  
Blue met brown, and he shrugged. Ken may have asked the question, but he wanted to make sure that Takeru heard the answer. "Everything's perfect in my world." He'd ignore the fact that that was a lie, for now. He was miserable, but he didn't want his ex-boyfriend to know that. Yet.  
  
"Really?" Blue eyes hardened, losing any sign of their earlier welcome. "I'm surprised you managed to find the time to make it, what with your life going so smoothly. Nobody at home to ask you to stay?"  
  
Tai rolled his eyes, and Daisuke figured he just wanted to stay out of the whole arguement. Few people knew what had actually happened between them, and the older brunette wasn't one of them. "I'd rather not have my life dictated by the whims of an irrational psychopath."  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that you're not happy with one of your own." Score. He kept his reaction to a minimum, just a raising of his eyebrows. Tai had turned away, and was staring at Matt, who was stalking towards them.   
  
"Tai?" Ken looked at him in worry as the older blonde reached them. Takeru looked at his brother expectantly.   
  
"Yagami."  
  
  
//I just needed someone to talk to   
You were just too busy with yourself//  
  
  
He sounded pissed, and his voice drew everyone else's attention. They watched in amazement as Tai started to say he was sorry. Matt's reaction was shock and pain. Within minutes, they were yelling at each other. Or, at least, Matt was yelling at Tai.  
  
With little provocation, the blonde lunged, knocking them both to the ground. "About damn time." Takeru crossed his arms in satisfaction.  
  
"You think it's a good thing for them to be trying to kill each other?" Daisuke asked stoically.  
  
"Of course. It's the only way they ever resolve anything. Did you expect them to talk this out?" The two men stopped fighting, Tai holding Matt down and crying.   
  
"Gods, Yamato, why couldn't you just let it go?" He rolled off the slender musician, and sat beside him, his arms wrapped around his knees.   
  
"Tai?" Blue eyes looked up, and Daisuke made a holding gesture. Matt put his arms around Tai and pulled him close.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Yama. It wasn't supposed to be like this."  
  
"Shh. I know." Tai hugged him back.  
  
"I couldn't bring myself to write that letter. Just one letter, Yama, and it would have been over. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't let go of the hope that someday, somehow, it would all work out. I knew it was stupid, and i should have realized that so long ago, but the hope was always there. That, just maybe..."  
  
Takeru reached over and touched Daisuke's hair, making him jerk away. Matt smoothed Tai's wild brown mane in understanding. Looking at Takeru, Daisuke felt that he could finish that last sentence. That, just maybe, they could have found a way to be happy together.  
  
____________  
  
A/n: Time jump. I'm skipping to after Matt and Tai work things out. Post-soccer game.  
____________  
  
//You were never there for me to  
Express how I felt//  
  
  
Why the hell had Takeru brought up that damn letter? It really wasn't fair. He had tried so hard to put himself in a good mood by the time he got to the picnic, but five minutes with Takeru made him want to kill the blonde.  
  
The picnic had barely lasted three hours, but he'd already managed to fill in for five years worth of insults, and barbs. It was hard to believe that he'd come expecting reconciliation. His mouth and pride had already screwed up any hope of that.  
  
Ken stood up, and pulled Yolei with him. "We have to go, too. Come and visit us soon, Dai." The two men shook hands, and Yolei hugged him tightly.  
  
"No problem. I planned on being around for a while, actually." Takeru's head jerked at that, and he caught the expression of hope and surprise in his blue eyes. "There are things I want to clear up before I return to the mainland." And he would return. Even if it was only to pick up his stuff, and clear out the apartment he held there. He wanted to come back to Japan so badly, it was eating him away on the inside.  
  
"We're glad to hear that." This time, the hug from Yolei was unexpected, and crushing. There was no doubting her sincerity. "It's past due." She knew. About the breakup, and the reasons behind it. All the sordid details and the heartbreak it had caused to both men when it occured.  
  
"You two should have dinner with me tomorrow. We can meet at that one restaurant, the one where you two first started going out." They smiled at each other, passing the memory between them as couples do. The love between the two was a beautiful and tangible thing. He pushed the envy away, not wanting to mar their happiness.  
  
"Call us tomorrow, and we'll see what we can work out." They walked away, Ken's arm around her shoulders, and her arm around his waist. "Bye, Takeru. See ya later." They waved, leaving the two men alone.  
  
There was silence, the lack of conversation like a weight on both their shoulders. The table was cleared, everything packed away. They stood looking in opposite directions, refusing to make eye contact.  
  
He heard Takeru inhale deeply, and felt when his eyes glanced over him. Nothing was said, the only sound was the distant roar of traffic, the wind in the trees, and their breathing. Summoning all his strength, he turned to face him, meeting his gaze. "We should leave."  
  
Takeru nodded, looking away. "Yeah. Can the coolers go in your car? Tai and Matt are...borrowing mine." Daisuke regretted the pain in those eyes, and the defeat in the lines of his body. He opened his mouth, then snapped it shut. The breakup wasn't entirely his fault. Things had just gotten too out of hand to fix easily.   
  
  
//I just stuffed it down  
Now I'm older and I feel like  
I could let some of this anger fade//  
  
  
And now, here they were, talking like two barely acquainted strangers with the common link of plastic, rolling containers of food. "Whatever."   
  
His voice was cold. He was mentally going through the reasons why them as a couple hadn't worked. It wasn't that hard, considering their most recent conversation.   
  
Daisuke had worked long hours, and spent what little free time he had studying. After they moved in together, he tried to cut back time at work, but only managed to gain a couple of hours for the two of them a week.  
  
At first, that had been fine. Takeru had spent his spare moments at his computer, working on his 'masterpiece.' Things went smoothly, and both were content with just seeing each other at night. Then Takeru had sold his first book, and he suddenly was able to quit his job, and stay home to do homework. And wait for Dai.  
  
That had eventually become the problem. Daisuke spent all day working and at school. Takeru was home by noon, and had half a day to spend alone. Naturally, he volunteered to do all the chores. Daisuke still helped when he found the time, but he was often tired from his long days.  
  
For three nights in a row, Daisuke worked a double shift, pulling off seventy-two hours with no sleep, as well as class time. He called, but never made it home. Sometime during the third day, a woman had called, asking for Daisuke. When told that he was out, she said 'I can't make it tonight. My boyfriend's getting suspicious that something's going on. I really can't do anything to ruin our relationship. I'm sorry, I know he was counting on me."  
  
Takeru had hung up, and stayed in the same spot on the couch by the phone until Daisuke came in. He had yelled at him for cheating, accused him of lying, and then slammed the bedroom door in his face. In exhaustion, unable to defend himself, he had fallen asleep on the couch.  
  
The next day had seen apologies from both sides, and assurances from Daisuke that it was all innocent, that he hadn't cheated on him, that she was only his study partner, etc. Things went back to normal.  
  
Till the next month, when Daisuke came back from a party with lipstick on his collar. He had been trying to work his way out from the throng of people when a woman he didn't know attacked him. It took him five upleasant minutes to pry her off, and had taken five days of apologies and fighting for things to settle down.  
  
He would admit that the next time was completely his fault, though not quite in the manner that Takeru took it. He had befriended a guy in his class, and had taken to telling him about Takeru's 'little fits of jealousy'. That was his mistake.   
  
Four weeks after the party incident, he returned home late to find Takeru waiting up for him. It seemed that his 'friend' had decided to tell Daisuke's live-in that they were having an affair. He told Daisuke it was because Takeru didn't deserve him, and that he wanted the chance to make him happy. Despite Daisuke's threats and pleadings, he refused to tell Takeru the truth, insisting that they were seeing each other.  
  
It had been the last straw. Daisuke gave Takeru a big speech about trust and love, and left for work. The following day, while the blonde was at class, he returned, packed his stuff, and left the letter. That had been the end. He had arrived on the mainland two days later, his stuff following behind on another plane.  
  
  
//But it seems the surface  
I am scratching  
Is the bed that I have made//  
  
  
He wouldn't outright blame Takeru for their split up. He believed that a large part of it was, but he hadn't helped, walking away instead of fighting back. He could have tricked the jerk into admitting the truth, he could have made Takeru believe him. He could have done a thousand things. He chose to run, and that was his own fault. He had let the opportunity slip away.  
  
Takeru turned away, and began carting the largest cooler toward the blue rental at the edge of the park. He let the silence go, and left Daisuke looking after him. Staring after him. He was going to leave Dai, like Dai had left him before.  
  
The redhead pushed that silly thought aside, and grabbed another cooler. It was heavy, but he managed to heft it by both handles. His grunt was ignored, and he narrowed his brown eyes at the blonde's back.   
  
It took them two trips apiece to put everything in the car. Takeru shut the trunk, and turned away. Daisuke watched him suspiciously. "Where are you going?" Again, his voice wasn't as he'd intended. It had been a concerned question, but came out as an angry and accusatory directive.  
  
Without turning around, Takeru stopped. "I'm going to walk. It's not far from here, and it's a beautiful day to get some exercise." Lame excuse, but Daisuke decided to let him have his way.   
  
"I'll meet you back at the apartment, then." He turned around and got in the car. He was halfway down the block when he realized that the blonde was heading in the opposite direction from the apartment. "Did he really think that he could avoid me?"  
  
With a few violent curses, he whipped the car around, nearly causing an accident. He wasn't paying attention, intent on having it out with Takeru then and there. Sometimes, the direct approach is best.  
  
He pulled the car next to the curve, ignoring the fact that it was on the wrong side of the street. "Takeru." The blonde stopped, then turned to him with a resigned expression.  
  
"This would be better done at the apartment. Let's go." The car door shut with finality.  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. Fade out

Normal paragraphs-1st person, Takeru  
*paragraphs*-3rd person, present action.  
  
Title: Break the Cycle-Fade (POV Takeru)  
____________________________  
  
//It was never meant to fade away  
Never meant to fade//  
  
  
That I loved him, was never the question. My trust and faith in him came to be in doubt, but I knew, always, that I would love him forever. The reason behind the fighting, my accusations, that I know he's remembered since he arrived today, is the simple fact that: I never believed he loved me.  
  
I got him on the rebound.  
  
*The drive was completed in silence, neither man wanting to hold the eminent discussion while driving through the middle of Odaiba.*  
  
It was my luck that he fell for his Jogress partner. For me, the connection I held with Iori was more of a brotherhood, a kinship. Daisuke fell in love. With a straight boy, who in turn, is going to marry a woman. He has already proposed to Miya, and I know he knows.  
  
Today, it was almost like old times. Discounting my brother and his new lover. Figures, my brother and I would have the same idea. We both wanted to have another chance. To make peace with our friends, and, hopefully, to reunite with the one person that we have ever loved. It worked for him, but I can still feel the bitterness in Dai.  
  
*They passed outside the city, heading towards Heightonview Terrace. It was a short drive.*  
  
And, of course, it was not like he ever loved me to begin with. I was there to fall back on when Ken broke his heart, the bastard. For Dai, I was more than willing. I had waited for him, first with his infatuation with Hikari, then through what I had always assumed was another 'crush'. But it was more than that. I watched the pain glaze his eyes, saw the listless way he acted for those first four or so weeks.  
  
Picked up the pieces, held him while he cried, listened to him listing every single one of Ichijouji's virtues. Despite his heartbreak and pain, he could still see no flaw in the genius. And I stayed silent, feeling a pain similar to his, knowing that I could never replace his best friend, or his heart.  
  
*They pulled into the parking lot, and in front of Takeru's building. At the same time, they got out of the car, and started lugging out the coolers.*  
  
The day I asked him out, and he said yes, I nearly died in surprise. We started dating in what, our first year of college? That's about right. It lasted two beautiful, wonderful, short years. There are times that I think I would have been better off, never having the chance to hold and love him. At night, still, I have trouble sleeping, remembering his scent, and the feel of him in my arms.  
  
  
//I just needed someone to talk to   
You were just too busy with yourself//  
  
*They made it inside, and to the elevators in one trip. Luckily, there was no one in the lobby to see them both lugging in two coolers apiece. They dropped them at the doors, and then looked at each other, smiling at their own stupidity. For a moment, it seemed like times before. Daisuke stopped smiling, and Takeru hit the button.*  
  
He was a great lover, and a wonderful boyfriend, while he lasted. it was the greatest time of my life, waking up to him, sometimes in the middle of the night. To find him there, with his arms around me, or mine around him. Beyond heaven. The memory alone is enough to offer some comfort, if I don't remember what came after.  
  
Of course, it's as hard to forget the bad parts as it is the good. Example, I remember stopping him from slitting his wrists when Ken rejected him. I talked him out of it, and I let him pour his heart out to me. All his love, unreturned, his affections, refused, his pride, trampled. That's when we became the best of friends, in high school, because I kept him alive.  
  
Little did he know, that he kept me alive as well.  
  
*The elevator up was consumed by the sound of soft music, and the grind of machinery.*  
  
It came full circle while he was gone. In high school, I was his lifeline. In college, he was mine. He never knew about the job I actually had, the one that enabled me to write, and sell my stories. I couldn't tell him, and he didn't ask, always assumed that it was just luck. I was lucky, alright.  
  
Look at me now, this man with golden hair, and sapphire eyes, who grins the grin of hope, and then at the boy I was, the same hair, the same eyes, and the same grin, and then let me tell you that I sold it all. My virginity, that I always told Dai went to a boy in high school, was bought by a middle aged man when I was nineteen.   
  
I hadn't sold a one of my books, until Dai left me. The money that I got for my 'writing', while we were still together, came from the selling of my body. My soul, my heart, have always been his, but my body has never been mine.  
  
Matt would have a fit, hearing this.  
  
*They stepped out on the fifth floor, and lugged the coolers down the hall. Takeru searched through his pockets for his keys, then remembered that he'd given them to his brother.  
  
"I've got mine." Daisuke pulled out his, and the blonde watched as he opened the door, blue eyes gazing sadly at the key in his tanned hand.*  
  
Yes, I'm aware that there are better professions, and more opportunities, but at the time, it was something I could do that would allow me to be there when he got home. I could cook for him, clean for him, and be there for him. I had hoped, too, that he would quit one of his jobs after the 'book deal' came.  
  
Wrong, I know. He would never allow anyone to support him, not financially. I should have realized that sooner, but I was caught up in the moment, that I didn't even feel 'dirty' until the day he came home with lipstick on his collar, and I realized how it would look if he ever found out. I was upset, at myself, and I took it out on him. Hell, the misunderstanding with the girl was nothing, compared to the guilt I felt when I saw the shock on his face at my refusal to listen to what had happened.  
  
  
//You were never there for me to  
Express how I felt//  
  
  
If you ask me now, who's to blame for our breakup, I'll tell you me. I was jealous, and I shouldn't have been. I knew, as I know now, that he would never cheat on me, but I was hurting, and the pain was increasing each day. I knew, but I needed a reason.  
  
Take away his loyalty, and his belief in all things honorable, and what other reason did he have to stay with me? I wanted the words. I needed to hear that he loved me too, if just a little. I wanted a return of the feelings I had, instead of just his body.   
  
The little bastard that tried to split us up got the shit beat out of him the day after Daisuke left me. And he wondered why I was jealous? Take one look at the little punk that told me he was having an affair with my lover, and you'll know.   
  
Long, inky black hair, violet eyes, and a pale complexion. Rather nice, on the outside. He looked like a certain genius I know. Add to that the fact that his voice was moderate like Ken's and he had similar mannerisms, and it's no wonder that I believed it was possible. It was his own first love, again. Only willing, this time.  
  
Hateful? Yes. I knew it then, I know it now. He wasn't Ken, and Daisuke wasn't in love with him. At the time, however, I was in deep depression, and hiding it too well. I wanted the love of a man in love with another, and I felt insecure and incomplete without it. I expected too much of him, without ever giving him what he needed from me in return. I could never understand why he couldn't see what I offered him, if only he would accept me.  
  
I understand now.  
  
*It was in silence that they entered the apartment and headed for the kitchen. They put the food and items away in the same companionalbe quiet, avoiding physical contact, and each other's gaze.*  
  
Five years ago, I was a silly, romantic fool who wanted it all, one who couldn't accept less. I would now. I would accept his friendship, if it was all he offered. I would take his body, if given the chance. Should he offer me his back, and another goodbye, I'll accept that, too. Life goes on, I've learned that, too.  
  
I didn't know it, then. Two months after he left our apartment, I sat in the bathroom, a blade to my wrist. I didn't want to know a life without him, a home without his presence. As luck should have it, it was Ken who found me. Ken who held me, and soothed me. Fate is cruel. I had done the same thing two years before for the boy who's heart he'd broken with is words, and his inability to love him the way he wanted.  
  
Ironic, isn't it?  
  
  
//I just stuffed it down  
Now I'm older and I feel like  
I could let some of the anger fade//  
  
  
*"You wanted to talk, so talk." Daisuke leaned against the counter, everything in it's place. Takeru had nowhere to hide, nothing to put this off any longer.  
  
"Sure." He leaned against the wall, facing the redhead. With a sigh, he met his eyes. And said nothing.*  
  
A day. If only he had waited a day, I could have told him I was sorry. We used to make up in the night, because we never saw each other in the day. Instead of greeting him in apology, I fell asleep on the couch. I hadn't wanted to just fall into bed, letting the chance go by without telling him my side. I wanted him to know, so badly. I was going to tell him everything.  
  
Prostitution, with clients of both genders. Going through each day, knowing I'd have to lie to him when he got home. Sitting in class with people who had bought me, teachers who eyed me in apprehension when they realized who I was.   
  
I hoped, someplace in my heart, that he would love me, and that his love would make me clean. Isn't that what love did? Cleansed the soul and purified the body? I had such high hopes, and I slept through them all. I knew it when I woke up in the morning, and he was gone. I debated whether I should go to class, or wait for him. I decided on class, figuring I'd have another chance to solve it.  
  
*Blue eyes slipped away, the man unable to utter a single thought in his heart, due to the thickness of his throat. Daisuke watched him, patiently impatient. He had never been one to wait.   
  
"Takeru?" He was too busy to fight the tears to answer the inquiry. The redhead was only mildly worried. "We really should discuss this."  
  
"I know." He drew in a shaky breath, letting his gaze slip back. "I'm sorry. For letting you believe five years ago that I had so little faith in you."  
  
"I don't understand."   
  
"Five years ago, I accused you of cheating on me and lying to me. I knew you hadn't, but I couldn't admit that. I'm sorry." That was a good place to start.   
  
"Thank you." He blinked, not expecting that exact admission. "I'm sorry for telling a stranger our problems."*  
  
So, let's see. Suicide attempts, prostitution, emotional abuse, and insecurity. Oh yeah, I'm a great catch. I can see Daisuke jumping at a chance to get me back.  
  
  
//But it seems the surface  
I am scratching  
Is the bed that I have made//  
  
*"He contacted me." Daisuke continued. "After I left. He called the hotel I was staying in, and told me a bunch of things. I wanted to kill him." The anger was evident in his voice.  
  
"What did he say?" Takeru was half-afraid of the answer. He remembered vaguely beating he crap out of the scrawny, starving artist, and hollering a lot. He could also recall some rather just accusations being thrown his way, for which the loser had paid for with a broken rib, and split lip. He hadn't denied the truth, he simply made the jerk wish he would.  
  
Daisuke looked at him, his brown eyes sad, his lips pursed. "I think you know." They looked at each other, the truth another wall between them.   
  
Takeru grinned without mirth, his own lips twisting. He shrugged, looking at the ceiling. His eyes were moist by that time.*  
  
The pain on his face was killing me. He was told, but never believed it. He thought the best of me, despite everything. And now, I've ruined every illusion he's ever held of Takaishi Takeru. That was rather easy, too.   
  
Do you hate me, Daisuke? For being a whore? For sullying the bed we shared with the memories of other lovers, lovers who are faceless and nameless, but were there? Can you forgive me for that? I knew you were better than that, and that's why I never actually came after you. Your silence was like my penance, my punishment for the shame I brought myself. Each unanswered letter was another lash against the sin that covered my body, and rode my conscious.  
  
*"You bastard." Takeru didn't bother looking away from the cobweb in the corner. "You hypocritical, fucking asshole!"*  
  
Score: Motomiya-two, Takaishi-none.  
  
*"How dare you! All those times you looked at me as if I was carrying some disease, simply because you were jealous enough to believe I'd do that, and you were..." He broke off, unalbe to say it.  
  
Blue eyes flicked down. "I was...what? Fucking anything that moved and had money? Selling my soul and my body for nothing, when I could have had a good, decent job? Accusing you of doing half of what I did on a daily basis, even though I knew you were innocent? I dared very easily, Daisuke, because I thought it would work out in the end." He raised and hand, palm up, in a defeated gesture.  
  
"And how was that going to happen, Takeru? How?" He was pissed. His eyes flashed, his cheeks were flushed, and he was clenching and unclenching his fist.  
  
"You were going to make everything better." That made the redhead draw in his breath sharply. "You were going to be my salvation, my guiding light." The blonde smiled, licking his lips. He looked like a defeated man, standing there, his shoulders bent. "You were going to love me, despite everything, and I was going to get out of it, because I wouldn't need that type of money anymore."  
  
"You didn't need it to begin with! We were doing alright, financially." Daisuke ran a hand through his hair in frustration. His chest felt heavy, and he was having trouble seeing through the moisture in his eyes.  
  
"But, if I had a normal job, I'd never be home, like you. I wanted so badly to be with you, to be near you. That way, I could work for a couple of hours, help pay bills, and still be there when you got home." His smile was reminiscent of the innocent child he'd once been. "I was going to make you love me. I was going to give you a home, something to come back to. I was going to tell you, and you were supposed to tell me that you loved me."   
  
A lone tear slipped down his pale cheek, and he let it go, turning his unfocused gaze to Daisuke's left. Daisuke looked at him, repeating the last half of the last sentence through his mind. How many times had he said that, about his loving Takeru? His anger was gone, and he felt empty. "Is this my fault?"   
  
It was simply asked, no force or emphasis behind it, but the blonde jerked back as if hit. "No! No. It was never your fault. I screwed up. I sold myself, and then thought I could find redemption by buying you. See, I thought you would have to love me, if I gave you enough. I tried to buy your love with my affections, and myself. I wanted you to be as tainted as I was."*  
  
If I couldn't have you give your love to me, I'd take it anyway it was offered. I needed you, loved you, longed for you, knowing that I would never have your heart.   
  
Miyako knows, and we've talked about it. She told me once that I should try to get over you. Four years later, she told me I should go after you. This year, she told me I should tell you the truth. I couldn't do anything.  
  
*Daisuke looked at him with something akin to shock. He stepped forward, cupping the tearstained face with his tanned palms. "Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"Because I was afraid that you'd leave me. I would rather have you with a lie, than lose you because of my attempt to keep you." He smiled tremelously. "It made more sense five years ago."  
  
"Takeru." He spoke very seriously, wanting to understand. "Why do you think that I hadn't given my heart to you five years ago?" He frowned at the pain, that passed through the blue eyes held captive with his own.   
  
"Because you loved Ken." His answer was raw, and his lean body trembled. "Because I caught you on the rebound, and never gave you a chance to leave. Because you would never say anything more than 'I know', when I'd whisper my love to you in the dark."   
  
"And because I never told you otherwise, you assumed that I didn't return your feelings?"*  
  
You're going to break me today, when you walk away. I know you will. I can feel it. In the air, in your gaze, in the hands holding my face. You're going to leave, and I'm going to fall into a crumpled heap, knowing that I've screwed up again.   
  
I should have denied it, should have said that he lied, and then told you something else, anything. Anything but the truth. You may not hate me, and you may have once loved me, which is what I think is next, but you won't stay. Not with me.  
  
Have you ever woken up, in the middle of the night, and had that gut-instinct that the it was raining? You can't hear it, and you can't tell by the light in the room, but you know. You will leave me to live with myself, and the lonely life I've wrought for myselft, simply because that's what's right. I don't deserve you, or the second chance I tried to give myself.  
  
Hell, I can't forgive half the shit I've done, why should you?  
  
*Takeru straightened up and pulled back from the redhead. "I assumed you didn't feel the same way when you refused to do anything more than fuck me, and let me sleep in your arms. That was the price. I got to be screwed by another man, and yes, there have been many, one that I loved. And you only had to let me sleep next to you the rest of the night."  
  
Daisuke looked like he'd been slapped. Between clenched teeth, he growled. "Excuse me?"  
  
"You were the same as the rest. For the opportunity to be near you, I gave you my body, in the hope that you would love me. And for the opportunity to sleep with you, in you, beside you, I gave up any hope that you would ever love me. Because I knew." The tears fell quickly, and he let them fall, his hands limp at his side. "I knew that it wouldn't matter when you knew. It was a fairy tale, a child's dream. I could do whatever I wanted, because my prince would heal all the wrongs."  
  
Brown eyes glared at him before the redhead turned away, walking toward the door.  
  
"And the price for letting you go was knowing that you'd find someone who deserved you." He stopped, his hand on the door. "I was letting you go. When I sent that invite, half of me wanted so badly for you to come, and the other half begged with fate to let you stay. If you had stayed, I could live with the hope that you had found your other half. If you came, I had to face the fact that you had found it with me, and I'd thrown it away."*  
  
Again. I can't see more than your blurry outline, but I know that you're at the door. See, I told you I knew. But I was so wrong about the rest.  
  
You did love me, didn't you? And I pushed you away, because I had dug myself into a hole, and was too frighted to ask for help. You loved me, and I sold your love.   
  
*Daisuke said nothing, simply stood in the hallway. He could see the crying blonde behind him, out of the corner of his eye.  
  
"I'm sorry. For dragging you here, and making you deal with this. I'm sorry that I screwed up, then and now, and I'm sorry that I couldn't let you get on with your life." Footsteps retreated into the bowels of the apartment, and a door shut gently. He was left with the knob in his hand, and his own thoughts.   
  
Leave, and get on with his life. It would be easier. No past mistakes, no added complications, no moody, depressed, sobbing lovers needing to be held and cared for constantly.  
  
Stay, and deal with the jealousy that would come, and the pain of having his mistakes thrown up in his face. Be smothered by the love he had once cherished, and fight for the small liberties and freedoms he'd become accustomed to.  
  
It was a hard decision.  
  
  
  
  



	9. The happy little epilogue that could

To tell you all the truth, when I wrote this, it was only going to be four chapters, and a prologue. Haha. Fade was to be the last and final chapter, with a happy, mushy plot with NO angst, and little plot. Hehe. This is chapter nine, which I'm writing for Lilas, who has been kind enough to read just about everything I've written.   
  
Thank you. This is the resolution, and I hope it's up in time for you to read it before you go. Have a wonderful trip.  
  
____________________  
  
Title: Break the Cycle-epilogue  
  
To stand on the threshhold, your hand on the knob, and chose a life between known pain and problems, or to turn the cold, metal ball, and escape into a life that is only half-living. If you had a choice, would you take the chance to love again, if you knew that it would probably only lead back into heartache?  
  
Of course, he didn't really know that for certain. Things had become so muddled in Daisuke's mind that he wasn't even certain if a world existed beyond the door. The door to Takeru's room had been shut for several minutes, and he could hear the muffled sound of sobbing through the walls.  
  
Why had they split up?  
  
Oh, yes. Takeru was possessive and jealous, and Daisuke was too stressed. Isn't that what he'd been telling himself for five years? Isn't that what he had believed for that time? It wasn't fair of Takeru to go through, and pull those lies from their shelf, and expect him to deal with them. Everything should have been brought into the open before they split up.  
  
"But I left before he could." He spoke aloud to the empty hall, his arms at his sides, his back to the door. He'd left once upon a time, when he didn't want to have to face the problems that plagued their relationship. He walked away, and left his lover to deal with things on his own, including Daisuke's inability to handle emotional confrontation.   
  
Unbidden, a memory came to him. He had come home from work early, hoping to surprise Takeru. He found the blonde curled up in the shower, his skin pink from the overly warm water, his frame in a ball on the corner tiles. He had passed it off at the time as a little sickness, like the flu. Thinking back, he realized that that was about the time of the book contract that had changed the parameters of their relationship.  
  
Changes that he hadn't dealt with very well.  
  
Because he had felt as if they were both only half there. He was constantly unable to say that he loved Takeru, and he always felt as if Takeru was keeping things from him. He had assumed that it was partially due to his writing, and the secrecy with which he worked, but he had never tried to talk about it.  
  
"I really suck at communication." Of course, given his childhood, that wasn't very surprising. His parents had ignored him until he screwed up, and Jun had only wanted something from him when Ishida had been around. They hadn't even bothered to write back to him the entire time he was away from Japan. Five years, and not a single letter from any of them.  
  
He stopped himself from blaming them entirely. He was still to blame for his own mistakes. He couldn't hide from his responsibility in all of this any longer. He didn't want to. He would take everything with pride and dignity, and hope that he did the right thing.   
  
Turning sideways so that he could see the door out, and the door to Takeru at the same time, he weighed his options. Stay, and take the chance of being happy, or messing up again. Go, and return to a life without his closests friends, and the one he loved. It really wasn't that difficult.  
  
He walked down the hall, and paused outside Takeru's room. The sobbing had quieted somewhat, but he could tell that it was far from over. Some of the blonde's words came back to him. "You were going to make everything better. You were going to be my salvation, my guiding light. You were going to love me despite everything..."  
  
Love him? He had, he still did. He had never stopped, even when he was told about his 'profession'. He had simply assumed that it was a lie, another chance at keeping them apart. Needless, but effective. He had never dreamed that those things would be true, that his angel had fallen so far.  
  
"I wanted so badly to be with you, to be near you...I was going to make you love me...give you a home, something to come back to." More words, each striking another chord, another piece he had missed when they were together. "You were supposed to tell me that you loved me."  
  
Something he had never done. Three words, and everything would have been wonderful and perfect. They would still probably be together, sharing the apartment, the bed, their lives. Instead of standing on opposite sides of a doorframe, trying to gather what remained of their broken lives to find the strenght to go on.   
  
Daisuke turned the knob, not bothering to knock. He stepped into the room, and it was exactly as he remembered it. Large bed beside the window, walk-in closet, bureau in the corner, the desk beside the door. Only, in his memories, there was no blonde heap in the middle of the bed crying his heart out. He shut the door gently, making little enough noise that his presence wasn't detected.  
  
He approached the bed, and sat beside the shaking body of his lover, his weight depressing the mattress, and alerting his presence to Takeru. Blue eyes, rimmed red, looked up at him fear and hope mingling. Fear that he had only stayed to yell more, hope that he was there to stay.   
  
Without bothering with words, he leaned over, and pulled the lean body against him. He didn't try to kiss him, didn't make any overly sexual movements. He simply offered the comfort and protection of his embrace.   
  
Pale arms wrapped around him, and he felt a tear-stained cheek press into his neck. He rocked Takeru in his arms, his hands moving in circles on his back.   
  
He would embrace his lover, as well as the pain and joy that would follow. There would be no more apologies for the things they had done in the past, no more worries about what the future would hold. He wouldn't walk away again, unless his love walked with him.  
  
____________  
  
End note: Pure sap. Had to make up for all the angst and depression I caused. I should know better than to stay up for two days without sleep, and then attempt to write. (I'm refering to this chapter. I tend to get very...excitable when I don't sleep. Isn't that just a thrilling little snippet of information?)  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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